Skip to main content

I Said It Was the Last One. It Wasn’t.

This is not a victory post.
It’s not a testimony wrapped in neat conclusions.
It’s a pause. A confession. A moment of truth caught between intention and action. I’ve said “this is the last one” more times than I can count, and today, it still happened again. Not because I don’t want to stop, but because change is louder in desire than it is in habit.
I’ve been fighting quietly, hoping to win before anyone notices. But silence has a way of feeding what it hides. So I chose to speak. Not as someone who has arrived, but as someone still on the road, dusty, tired, and refusing to pretend.
What follows is a conversation. An honest one. With myself, and maybe with you too.

Interviewer: You said this is the last time. Yet it happened again today. How do you feel saying that out loud?

Me: It feels heavy. Like repeating a vow I truly mean, but watching my hands break it again. I’m tired of disappointing myself. I’m not proud of it, but I’m honest enough to admit it.

Interviewer: Many people would hide this. Why are you choosing to speak now?
Me: Because silence is where the habit grows strongest. I’ve been battling quietly, trying to stop before anyone notices. But pretending I’m fine hasn’t helped. Speaking is my way of dragging the struggle into the light.
Interviewer: Do you feel weak for relapsing?

Me: No. I feel human. Weakness would be giving up completely. This is a fight, not a performance. Falling doesn’t erase the desire to stand.

Interviewer: What makes quitting so difficult for you right now?

Me: It’s not just the act. It’s the escape it offers. The pause. The numbness. Sometimes it feels like the only switch I know how to turn off. I’m learning that stopping requires replacing, not just resisting.

Interviewer: Are you afraid of being seen if people notice?

Me: Yes. I don’t want to be labeled by my struggle. But I’m starting to understand that being seen might actually save me, not shame me.

Interviewer: What keeps you trying, even after slipping again?

Me: Hope. Even when it’s small. Also the quiet voice inside me that says, “This is not who you are, it’s just where you are.”
Interviewer: If someone reading this is fighting the same battle, what would you tell them?

Me: Don’t wait until you’re perfect to be honest. Start where you are. Relapse is information, not a sentence. Keep choosing yourself, even if you have to choose again tomorrow.

Interviewer: What does “the last one” mean to you now?

Me: It no longer means a dramatic ending. It means a decision I recommit to daily. Sometimes hourly. Sometimes minute by minute.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Zechariah

Zechariah was a prophet who lived during the post-exilic period of Israel's history, around the late 6th century BCE. He was one of the twelve Minor Prophets in the Hebrew Bible. His book contains visions , prophecies, and messages from God, addressing themes such as the restoration of Jerusalem, the coming of the Messiah, and the future glory of God's kingdom. Zechariah's prophecies offer hope and encouragement to the people of Israel during a time of rebuilding and spiritual renewal. What are the visions zechariah saw?  Zechariah saw several visions, each conveying different messages and symbolic imagery. Some of the notable visions include: 1. **The Horsemen Among Myrtle Trees (Zechariah 1:7-17)**: In this vision, Zechariah sees horses of different colors among myrtle trees, symbolizing God's presence and protection over the earth and His readiness to judge the nations. 2. **The Four Horns and Four Craftsmen (Zechariah 1:18-21)**: This vision portrays four horns re...
1 comment
Read more

Rage

Rage is often pain that never got language . When feelings are ignored for too long, they stop knocking and start breaking doors. A few gentle anchors that can help: 1. Separate who you are from what visits you Anger is a visitor, not your name. It shows up fast because it learned that speed was the only way to be heard. 2. Notice the spark, not the explosion There’s always a tiny click before the fire. Tight jaw. Fast breath. Heat in the chest. That click is power. If you catch it, you can pause the story before it runs you. 3. Give anger a safe language Anger that isn’t expressed cleanly will express itself messily. Writing. Walking hard. Cold water on the face. Speaking the truth without attacking. Think of it as letting steam out of a pot before it screams. 4. Be curious, not ashamed Instead of “Why am I like this?” Try: “What is this anger protecting?” Often it’s dignity, fear, old wounds, or boundaries that were crossed too many times. And one important thing: nice people often c...
Post a Comment
Read more

When Guilt Speaks Louder Than God

Yesterday, something happened... Omolaye and I agreed that during our fast, we would not talk on the phone. We would only chat, and our conversations would revolve around Olódùmarè. Later that day, she called. Nothing terrible happened. There was no argument. There was no sin. Yet something inside me became restless. I carried a guilt that stayed with me for hours. Not because she had done anything wrong. Not because I had intentionally broken the fast. But because my conscience kept asking, " Did I listen to the Spirit? " I couldn't stop thinking about it. Then something occurred to me. Sometimes guilt is useful. Sometimes it is not. There is a guilt that calls us back to truth. There is another guilt that traps us in condemnation. One leads us to repentance. The other keeps us from peace. The strange thing is that while I was worrying about whether I had disappointed Olódùmarè, I was no longer paying attention to Him. My eyes had left Grandpa. They had turne...
2 comments
Read more